Happy Birthday Katie!

Summer 2004. My beautiful baby girl.


Christmas 2004

Christmas 2004. My Katie's last Christmas.

The following is a letter that I had written on what would have been my Katie's 4th birthday. Today.....she would have turned 7 years old. When reading the letter, my Katie was gone for just a few months. Today...3 1/2 years. I often wonder what she would have been doing if she were still with me...would she still be a tomboy or would she have turned to barbies and babies? Would she have liked to keep her hair long and would she be bugging her mommy to get her ears pierced ...what would she like to eat, or watch on TV....could she ride her bike, who would have been her friends.....Would she enjoy shopping with her mommy or want to play with frogs with her brothers.... What would she look like? Would she allow her mommy to still try to brush her hair...what would she say after I would kiss her goodnight....
These little things that many of us take for granted with our children....I will never know. my daughter died 3 1/2 years ago and the ache in my heart reminds me of what could have been..each and every moment of my life. I miss my baby and I hate that she is not here for us to sing Happy Birthday to her today. Instead, her brothers, sister and parents with sing in honor of her life tonight, remembering how special those short 3 1/2 years with her were. We miss you Katie. Fly free with the butterflies baby.

Letter written in 2005 on Katie's 4th birthday.

Itwas approximately 4 years and 7 months ago that I was given the most wonderful new that a woman could be given. That news…was that I was going to become a mother, a mommy, a mom, for the 3rd time. I remember feeling so happy, elated, so incredibly blessed to be carrying this little miracle inside of me.
For the next 7 months, I therefore tried to eat the right foods, play the right music for my growing baby, read the right stories and think relaxing thoughts---all for the good of my baby. I vividly remember Bob and I discussing quite frequently whether or not to have the sex of our baby disclosed to us. After our ultrasounds, we even asked my physician to write the sex on a piece of paper. I then stuck that folded piece of white paper deep inside my wallet – never to peek at the mysterious secret until months after my baby’s birth. Yes, it was a beautiful, busy and mysterious time.

And so the months of pregnancy crept by as I eagerly anticipated the arrival of my 3rd little miracle. We prepared a neutral-primary colored nursery with sponge-paintings of red, blue and yellow. Bob rebuilt our 2nd crib; I bought new sheets and baby blankets that fit the crib perfectly. And before we knew it, July 2001 rolled in and my 9 months of pregnancy were just about completed. I recall my physician asking me to choose a date for the planned cesarean section. I thought and I thought of which date may be good for a birthday and finally chose July 30th. Not exactly sure why I chose that date, but I did. And so our preparations were coming to a close. Diapers were bought, my suitcase was packed and we told our 2 little boys, Bobby and Evan that mommy was going to the hospital and soon they would be the proud big brothers to either a baby brother or baby sister.

I remember lying in the O.R. thinking, “wow, this is it!” The O.R> was really crowded that day. There were many nursing students present, several med, students, along with the normal nurses, anesthesiologist, nurse anesthetists, and my regular physician. Several of those present asked if we knew the sex of our baby and we responded proudly, “no.” We had wanted to be surprised. We proceeded to inform everyone that we had 2 little boys at home waiting for us and that whatever sex God gave to us, we would be happy---Please just let our baby be healthy.

Within a few minutes the doctors were busy doing their doctor thing, when before I knew it…a tiny cry emerged from the direction of my belly and I breathed an enormous sign of relief. Within a moment someone shouted, “it’s a girl!” A low roar then erupted from the delivery O.R> room. The joy, which emanated from each person witnessing this miracle of birth, was overwhelming. God had sent to us a baby girl! – A special, special baby girl. She had dark, brown hair and big brown eyes. We felt that she had completed our family. And our 3rd little miracle’s name? We chose Katie Elise….just because we liked it.

And so my baby girl was born. My child, one of life’s greatest loves, my daughter. I spent the next 3 ½ years getting to k now my daughter better not realizing what life events were to unfold. I watched in awe as this tiny, helpless infant grew into an independent one-of-a-kind toddler and then into a shy, beautiful preschooler. Her smile still radiates in my memory, her laughter echoes in my dreams. I am so proud to have spent 3 ½ years with my precious daughter. The joy that Kati gave to me from her birth until the present is immeasurable. NO words can describe the heartache which I feel each and everyday that she is not with me on this earth. The pain…I wish on no one.

My daughter has touched more lives in her 3 ½ short years than most of us will touch in a lifetime. I am so proud of you, my Katie. Mommy misses you and I wish you a happy 4th birthday. Fly free with the butterflies my angel! I love you!

Just Another Day....

Yesterday morning we awakened to a visitor in our pool. As Big B was emptying out the filter baskets something was darting very quickly trying to avoid his fingers. He sensed it could be something that the boys would like and called to them eagerly to come see what might be lurking and darting in the water-filled basket. As we looked closer we noticed...a frog! Soon the frog escaped the basket and was swimming around our pool like a pro. Big B quickly grabbed the net and scooped the critter out of the big pool and just stood there wondering what to do with it next. I remembered that S's little pool was still filled from the previous day and suggested we out Froggy in there away from the chlorine until we figured out what to do with it. So into the little pool it went along with S's shovels, toys and watering cans. As the day progressed as the boys became attached to their buddy I knew taking him to the park across the street was pretty much not the way it was going to go. I soon found myself at Petsmart buying an aquarium to house the now name Murky along with a water neutralizer or whatever it was called. We found old gravel that we had left over from our crabs and filled the aquarium with gravel and the treated water. After several hours the boys thought that Murky looked hungry. HMMM.
Okay, what do frogs eat? I guess flies. So, Big B, Little B, E, S and myself along with the Dollar Store Butterfly catcher spent some quality time in our backyard over unscooped doggie poo attempting to catch a fly. Let me tell you...what joy!
After a long time a fly was caught...placed into the aquarium only to escape later because the stupid aquarium didn't come with a screen. We hadn't realized it until after we were home and Froggy, oops I mean Murky began hopping and nearly hopped out of the container.
Big B found himself with 10 minutes to spare before closing, at the Petsmart again buying Frog food last night.
I forgot to tell you that we were told by the Petsmart crew that Murky would be dead this morning after his ingestion of the pool water. We were prepared to see a floating frog instead of this smiling amphibian.
Again today, I found myself at Petsmart buying new gravel....pebbles and a couple of lily pads.
His water was changed tonight and he looks happy and content...although Big B thinks he needs a girl Froggy. Yea right!
So I'm including some pics of our new addition...hope you enjoy.

On another note, S's ear seems to be doing well. SIL A peeked last evening and thought it was just old wax. We'll continue the drops and follow up with MD Friday.

As the kids were swimming the past couple of days we had been smelling this God awful smell. We thought it could be a gas odor but we weren't quite sure. So I ended up calling PECO who were out in a very short time. Before I knew it they were drilling outside trying to find the leak that they had detected out front. We had PECO trucks, Verizon trucks, AQUA trucks all outside our home. GREAT! Now my front lawn and driveway were going to be dug up. After several hours we were informed that no leak was detected but that another crew would be out tomorrow to double check. Also....the stench????? something dead under a neighbor's shed. Double great! It's unreachable, not that anyone would want to reach it. So I guess we need to live with the stench until the carcass of whatever critter disappears....yuck!

Well, gotta run for now. Even though my life has been wonderfully busy lately tomorrow's date weighs heavily on my mind. Tomorrow is Katie's birthday.

Don't forget to hug your children,
J

WHAT?

S has been complaining for the past few days about her left ear being sore. The boys have both had swimmer's ear so I have been assuming she had it as well. I have not allowed her in the pool since Tuesday but she has still been saying she has a boo boo ear. So today I took her to the pediatrician's office for a quick check. Well, the doctor gave a look and lo and behold....says there is something in her ear...something green. YIKES! We both asked S if she stuck anything in her ear and she became upset, said no and proceeded to tall us that "Bobby did it." When I questioned her a bit further she went on to say that Bobby put Barney in her ear. HMMM, okay.
We now are in a wait - and - see mode. We have ear drops and need to go back to the doctor's next Friday. (A whole week) Thank goodness for sister - in - laws. Big B's sister is a pediatric nurse practitioner who specialty is Ears, Noses and Throats! She will recheck S's ear in a few days and give me her opinion as well.
What the heck could be in S's ear? After we had returned home, S told me that there was a fan in there and my bed.
Never a dull moment.

J

ANOTHER BUTTERFLY STORY

Shortly after Katie died, we moved our family into another home not too far from where we had been living. We had been searching for a long time for a larger, more comfortable home in which to raise our 3 children. We found a wonderful house in the Fall of 2004 and on January 13, 2005 the house became ours. 8 days later my beautiful little girl was killed in that #$@$ house...prior to us ever having moved into to it. To check out the story, please visit http://www.usa.safekids.org/tier3_cd.cfm?content_item_id=20930&folder_id=301.


After her death I made the decision to not move into that house. I could not see ourselves there with those horrible memories forever etched in our minds.Therefore, we put that place on the market and began searching for another home. (The house that we had been living in had already been sold. )


We found this house within a month after Katie's death...we had no choice and we moved into it in April of 2005.


As I tried to maintain some sort of normalcy for my two boys we began to try to make this house a home. During that time the depression and grief was so strong that it took every ounce of strength for me to get out of my bed each morning. It was so terribly hard and many times I had even thought about giving up. But that would have been the easy way out. Therefore, I visited the cemetery each and everyday, crying, praying, leaving flowers and taping butterfly stickers to the wall which held my baby's ashes. All the while looking for some sort of sign that...she was okay...


I have written in the past about signs and how special they can be. I have seen upside-down rainbows, heard Thomas the Train songs and listened to my dog, JD whimper and bark and I knew he felt her presence.


That summer, the summer of 2005 we held a butterfly release on what would have been Katie's 4th birthday. Several dozen of us released beautiful Monarch butterflies in celebration of my daughter's life. Her short life touched many, many people. To see it, click http://katieeliselambert.org/show/video.html


For some reason though, each time a member of our family has spotted a yellow swallowtail butterfly...we feel very strongly that it is our Katie stopping by let us know she's okay. The yellow butterfly has grown to hold a significant spot in each of our hearts.


One night in 2005 I returned home from work about 7:45 in the evening with a storm rapidly approaching. During the day I had spoken to my boys and to my husband on the phone several times..each time one of them would describe the yellow butterfly sitting outside our front window ledge facing in. I did not think much about it...but when I arrived home they anxiously showed me this beautiful butterfly seated outside our home....looking inside. We thought for sure that it would soon fly away as night was approaching as well as a thunderstorm. It didn't. We watched the lightening illuminate its wings and couldn't help to wonder why it just didn't fly away. I prayed that it was okay and began to think that Katie was here with us...in the form of a butterfly. We went to sleep wondering about that little butterfly and how it would ever survive a night of summer storms.


Morning arrived and we got up in our usual manner. I walked over to the front window and my God that yellow butterfly was still there. By this time we thought for sure that one of its wings had been broken and it was there because it couldn't fly. We watched for some time and my heart was hurting for this tiny insect outside my window. So Big B, Little B and E went out so inspect the butterfly to see what they could do to help it. As they approached very closely...the yellow butterfly spread its magnificent wings and flew to daddy, Little b and finally E..landing momentarily on each...then flying away. That yellow butterfly stayed almost an entire day sitting on that ledge, facing in, enduring storms before greeting each of my boys, and husband before disappearing. Since that time, the Yellow butterfly has held special meaning for all of us. It gives us all great joy to see one as we feel Katie's presence strongly through them. How wonderful to see one!


As we sat by the pool this afternoon, our yellow butterfly fluttered poolside. I called to the boys and they walked to the far side of the pool. The little yellow butterfly sat on the ground very still. As the boys approached, this little beauty began to flutter between the boys' legs. We watched for several minutes as it flew by our shoulders, sat on the ground and generally stayed within a couple of feet of all of us. After several minutes, Little B went back into the house and E, S and myself remained outside. The little butterfly remained by our sides for about 10 minutes. She would fly around, back and forth from one side of the pool to the other,then land on the grass near E, or under our porch but continued within our reach. It wasn't long before E had to run inside....and it was then that I saw my yellow friend flutter away. E came back outside and began looking for it again. I told him the direction it flew and within seconds he spotted..another yellow butterfly dangling just above where the first one was fluttering about. I don't think it could have been the same one but who knows....????? Maybe Katie does.
I found myself fighting back the tears today watching my little friend. Once again the grief made an unexpected visit. When you least expect it the overwhelming sadness can encompass your whole being. It is those times that I find myself for extremely, fleeting moments, not believing that it has actually happened. Then the cruel, harsh realty resurfaces.
Grieving is a difficult, lifelong road that must be traveled forever. On it are bumps, twists, turns, curves and major potholes. The road is long but my faith is strong.

Until the next time,
J

SPRINKLER FUN

Just a short post tonight. Last evening I had decided to sit out front by Katie's garden. Our house sits up on a small grassy hill and Big B has several pretty gardens surrounding it. Many of the flowers have disappeared courtesy of the large amount of bunnies in the neighborhood. But who could get angry with THUMPER? He even had stopped at Lowes last week and discovered their summer flowers were 10 cents a piece. Who could resist? So he purchased many more flowers, planted them and then those cute little bunnies proceeded to eat all of those colorful petals.

Anyway, Big B had the sprinkler running and the kids decided to join me, ( as they always do) outside. It wasn't long before they were running through the water laughing, playing and completely soaked. S was a bit cautious at first but within a few minutes she became the wildest of the three.

On another note, S had her staples removed...in the E.R. It wasn't that bad as our favorite nurse, Sue was working and we were in and out in less than an hour.

Hope you all enjoy the pictures.

Until the next time,

J

LIttle b's 11th Birthday

I'm back with pictures and everything! I am very excited that after a short trip to Staples, I am now able to download pictures to my buddy #2....my laptop. Buddy #1 is my big, goofy, yellow lab...named of course, Buddy.

On Friday we celebrated little b's 11th birthday. All day long he kept asking me if he were really 11 years old. He loved hearing that he actually came into this world at 4:19PM, crying, screaming and not wanting to be bothered by all of those people in that cold, bright room. He was born by C-section as were two of my other 3 children.What made little b's grand entrance so different was that when the doctor made his incision, little b was crying his little heart out before he was even removed from my uterus. The doctor even was surprised at his set of vocal cords. Needless to say little b's personality has changed little. He remains demanding, loud and stubborn...resistant to change. Even so...he is still my little b...even though he weighs more and his taller than me.

Back to his birthday though. We took 3 of his friends to the PHILLIES game for a fantastic extra inning game with fireworks to boot. There were 10 of us going, mom mom, Big B's sister, A, the 3 boys, S , E and myself. We took 2 cars. Big B had the 5 boys in his Jeep while us girls drove down in my van. As we were driving down Broad Street not too far from Temple U....Big B calls my cell and states that he has a flat tire UGH! Not to fear. The 5 boys then joined A, S and myself in my 7 passenger van. Mom mom went to wait for AAA to come and fix the Jeep. Yes, 8 of us sitting in a 7 seat van. I now realize that I don't fit between the two seats in the middle row of the van...even sitting on the floor. My buttinski got squashed but it was okay because everyone else was seated properly using a seat belt. We finally made it to Citizens Bank Park, registered Little b's birthday and walked a very long time to our seats in the nosebleed oops I mean upper level section. We all had a great time, especially me after I tasted the first sip of that cold, crisp Coors Light which was needed badly by that point.

The Phillies ended up winning in extra innings and the fireworks were awesome. S was so tired by that time...nearly midnight, that she actually fell sound asleep during the show. I didn't think it was humanly possible for someone to be able to sleep through a very loud firework display but I was wrong.

The pictures posted do not do the fireworks any justice. They were spectacular as usual and my stinking camera did not capture the true beauty of the display.

To describe some of the pictures in my post....

I had mentioned in my previous post that my beloved KIRBY had been broken and repaired. I had taken pictures of two of my favorites this week, 1 of course is S and the other favorite is my vacuum. I missed my Kirby and I'm glad it's back in my arms.

There is another picture posted of E with a ladybug. He asked me to take a picture of it so...I did.

The family picture was taken by our social worker for our 1 year update. The picture and every other family picture taken will forever remain bittersweet for me. I feel truly blessed that God has given me the chance to be a mom again with S. But as I look closely at that picture I realize that there is one huge part of our family missing. My precious Katie. She is still my first daughter and many times it hurts that she is not here physically to share in our joy and to play with her little sister. There are still many times I wonder why life had to throw me this particular hand at cards. I sometimes still question "why" but quickly dismiss it as I would rather not bring those feelings of grief back to the surface. I am presently reading When Bad Things Happen to Good People by Harold Kushner. I was given the book to read within a month or two after Katie's death but I have no recollection of what I read. I am now rereading it in the hopes to settle my sometimes questioning mind. But that could be a whole other post.

For now, I must close. I hope everyone enjoys the pictures and I relaly enjoy reading everyone's comments.

Until the next time,

J

IT CRASHED

Many of my blogs have been written at night, lying in my bed with my laptop on my lap, relaxing after the kids were asleep or at least falling asleep. Sometime last week I began to notice that my computer was working much slower than usual. We thought it was our fairly new printer being hooked up to it so B disconnected it from my laptop. It began to work a little bit faster for a day or two and I thought my troubles were over. On Saturday the motor, (do computers have motors) began to make a really funky sound. When B heard it he claimed that it sounded as if my hard drive was being eaten by a virus. YIKES! By Sunday it no longer worked. Big B spent hours on Saturday trying to save the computer and my sanity. By Saturday night it was dead. My poor computer has been at the shop since Monday morning and I am hoping and keeping fingers and toes crossed that it can be saved. I am really missing my buddy. Even though I still have B's computer, it isn't the same. In order to blog tonight, I need to sit in the office with boys interrupting me and a little S not wanting to sleep. I now hear her opening her bedroom door for the umpteenth time after I first put her to bed. I can't get the same concentration going as compared to when I am sitting in my room.
Besides the computer crashing, my favorite vacuum cleaner began making peculiar noises too Thursday. This is my good ole KIRBY and needless to say I was pretty dissappointed in those loud noises. When Monday rolled around I had to bring my trusted KIRBY to the shop to be repaired. I had to drag my old vacuum out to attempt to rid my downstairs of the tremendous amount of BUDDY fur covering my floors and sofas. After vacuuming with my old Simplicity, the dog fur was pretty much still there. Thank goodness for small favors and my Kirby was repaired today.
KIRBY has had a complete tune up, new HUB CAPS????, a new light and new plug installed. I picked it up this afternoon and vacuumed my downstairs as soon as I got home. Boy, I missed my KIRBY. It may be heavy, it may have been expensive, but nothing has the power that it does. ( Except maybe a Dyson?)

Onto some S news. B had tickets to the Phillies game on Sunday afternoon. So he decided to take little b to the game. While they were gone I had planned to take E and S to the movies to see Wall-E. We were just about ready to go when yours truly had to run upstairs one last time. E and S had been playing something, running and laughing. Moments later I heard a funny noise and E asking S if she were okay? I heard no response. I ran downstairs and saw S looking stunned sitting on the couch. E told me that she fell and hit her head on one of our end tables. Upon closer inspection of her head, I saw an open gash which looked like stitches were needed to close it. Within a couple of minutes we were on our way to the hospital. S had two great nurses caring for her, Sue and Thea and I knew she was in great hands. She was such a trooper during the entire ordeal. Not a tear was shed which may actually be a red flag. Those of you who have adopted or are getting ready to adopt will understand why. I have been asking her if her boo boo head hurts or did hurt and she tells me, "a little bit." If it were me, I would have cried and cried hard.
She now has 6 staples in her head and I don't think she will be playing karate with E anymore.

I am sorry but I am unable to post pictures. Hopefully my laptop will be saved and I can get back to my picture posting soon.

Hope everyone is well.

Until the next time,
J

REUNION WEEKEND

Our Friends

Last weekend we celebrated our one year anniversary of Family Day with two families that we had met while in China. We had a wonderful time catching up and watching how the girls have grown. I just hope that we don't have to wait another 6 months or year to get together again with our friends. They are both wonderful and so much fun and we have shared so much together t during our travels to China.

I am going to attempt to post a few pictures that M had sent. M and M's (LOL) camera is FAR superior than ours and takes much, much better pictures. Thanks you M and M for sending the pictures via Shutterfly. Yes, I am a member!

Enjoy the pictures!

J