Just Venting

I woke up this morning feeling a bit down, a little depressed. This post is probably going to be a bit selfish and semi-full of complaints so if you don't feel like reading about someone's else's problems, please stop reading now.

When I got out of bed this morning, the pain in my side was really hurting. It feels as if there is something poking me in the front right side, not the pelvic area and not the upper quadrant...but inbetween the two: Poking me from the front and going out through to the back.

This is a brief history of the problem. The pain started sometime back in February, around the time I was having a colonoscopy. That test was normal and it wasn't done because of the pain. I am anemic and that was one of the reasons the physicians wanted me to get it. Anyway, the pain started, I was sent to gyno who did pelvic ultrasound to rule out anything there. Turns out there are fibroids and a cyst...but the location of the pain is higher. Had a two ultrasounds of RUQ...1 in NOV, and 1 in April. These were okay.... location of pain is lower.

Worked my 12 hours shifts...barely was getting through them..could barely walk straight let alone take care of sick patients, so doc put me out of work on disability. His diagnosis...pinched nerve, as well as PSTD. (post traumatic stress disorder) HMMM. So, okay, he's the doctor, right?

I went back into grief counseling...which by the way is wonderful. I love being able to talk, and vent without feeling as if I'm burdening anyone with my problems....sort of like now.

I lost my job on April 30th. Because of the leave that I took last summer for our adoption, I found that I was not eligible for time off...even for medical reasons with a doctor's note. I do not have any feelings of contempt for the hospital, I truly understand their policies and the law and I have been trying to find the light at the end which would include a better job.

My doc sends me to an ortho doctor with an xray of the spine. The ortho doc looks at the xray, feels around the pain and proceeds to tell me that it's not my spine but the abdomen from where the pain is originating. UGH! He wants me to get a CT of the abdomen. I then call my primary who says I cannot have the CT because I've had two this year already. When I had pneumonia and pleurisy in the winter, they did a scan and found a nodule in my lung. I needed a follow up scan which was okay but now I'm so full of radiation that I'm glowing. GI says it's not GI, ortho says it's not orthopedic and primary doc says it's a pinched nerve. HELP! I have no job right now, I want to go back to work but am still no closer to finding an answer for this pain than I was back in February. I have been checking jobs online and have sent several resumes out. I am a nurse and have only done floor nursing in my career. I made the decision to try my darnest not to have to go back to that type of nursing again. Reasons saved for another post. Even if I were to find another job what do I tell the potential employer? Can I work through the pain and the constant worry of what it could possibly be?

If anyone has any suggestions please tell me. I'm frustrated, sad, and ticked off that my doctor won't do an MRI or something that will yield a definitive diagnosis. Family says to switch primaries, but that isn't so simple. Not even sure if I would be permitted to do so with COBRA>

Okay, that will end my complaints about my pain for now. Don't want to bore you any longer.



On another note, we had a beautiful Memorial weekend. The weather was picture perfect and I have some nice pictures to post.



I am looking forward to babysitting my good friend's Leslie's children tomorrow evening. She has 3 kids, ages 8, 5 and 4. Friday night should be a crazy, chaotic but fun place here tomorrow.



Oh, thank God that RQ has come back online. The site was down for several days and I actually felt myself going through withdrawal symptoms. I was so relieved when it came back. I found out how much I missed that community and all of its support.

I love RQ!



J

THE THREE W'S

I guess you are all wondering what the 3 w's are all about. It really is nothing big, nothing that will majorly surprise anyone. The 3 W's are......Wondering What to Write! During the days my mind receives several fleeting thoughts of many interesting, sometimes questionable things to write about. But today, when I finally sat down to my computer, I could remember none of them. Does this mean that I am beginning to become forgetful? Maybe. Or maybe it's just the normal mind of a busy 40 something mom trying to maintain some sanity in a crazy, sometimes chaotic household.

This week included some posts that weighed quite heavily on the heart so I want to keep this early Saturday evening post pretty light.

I had a wonderful chance to meet a fellow RQ er this afternoon. For those of you who are not a part of the adoption community, RQ stands for Rumor Queen. It is a well known, very large internet community of pre-adoptive and post-adoptive parents. Its membership exceed 5000 and each member makes for a very informative and sincere support group. To check it out, just click on the link to the right.

Anyway, our daughters met and the mom is wonderful person. I won't post any names to keep her anonymity unless told otherwise. It took our girls about an hour to warm up to each other but when they did it looked as if they had a great time. I am looking forward to hopefully meeting again with our girls.

Next, I want to thank those of you who have left comments on the blog. I appreciate all of them and I am so glad that there are people actually reading this.

To Erin, thank you for reading. The playground is Jenkintown playground and I think your kids would love the zip line.

To Karen, thank you for getting ready to secure your furniture. It makes all of our work worth it to hear that people are tethering their furniture. To Leslie and El, signs of Katie are everywhere. I love to hear when others feel her presence as well. She's everywhere and lives in all of our hearts. Thank you all.

Now for some random pics from the week. Some may look repetitive but I couldn't help but post them. Last Sunday we attended our pastor's retirement party. His name is Father Otto and after 23 years will be retiring. Father Otto married B and myself back in 1991. He then baptized our 3 children. He was there the night that Katie was killed and actually went back to that hell house and helped pick up the pieces and clean up the room. Something that no one should have had to do. He then had to endure the agony of doing her funeral but became an active member of The Katie Elise Lambert Foundation.

He then was able to perform S's baptism and watching him walk her down the aisle during the ceremony was such a bittersweet moment. God was taking care of us.

We will miss Father Otto.

So, pictures are from the party and a recent baseball game. The little girl with S is one of the coaches daughter.

The woman standing with BB is my MIL, Joan.

Enjoy.

A TRAGEDY

News of a tragic accident struck the adoption community this morning. Christian music singer, Steven Curtis Chapman, lost one of his precious daughters in a terrible accident yesterday which occurred outside his home. His daughter, Maria, 5 years old, was killed after their SUV was backed over her. http://www.stevencurtischapman.com/

Please keep Steven, his wife, and their surviving children in your thoughts and prayers. What they are experiencing right now, can only be compared with a dagger being placed into your heart. No human being should ever have to face the death of their child.

Please keep them in your hearts, in your thoughts and in your prayers tonight. For a mother or a father to wake up in the middle of the night and to see an empty bed where your baby should be sleeping, is a feeling that no one should ever have to endure.

J

Look For Maddie

Many of you will remember the heartwrenching story of the disappearance of Madeleine McCann from last May in Portugal. Her mother put her safely to bed along with her younger brother and sister, and then went about 50 yards away to dinner. During the time that they were gone, little Maddie was abducted from their hotel room. Her siblings remained. Maddie was just 9 days shy of her 4th birthday. Her parents continue their mission of leaving no stone unturned in the hopes of finding their daughter. Apparently there are investigations still being conducted both in Portugal and Britain. Please correct me if my information is wrong. The story has touched me and when I found this video I wanted to do my part in helping.


I thought that I would add one of their videos in the hopes that people will not forget to keep looking for little Maddie. I've also provided the link for the Center for Missing and Exploited children. My heart aches for those whose children have been abducted. I know where my Katie is.... (heaven)...but to not know where your child is, or who has your child, if they're hurting, or hungry or crying, cold.....that would probably kill me.

Please hug your children tonight. Life is full of twists and turns, and we are not privileged to know the plans which lie ahead for us. So live for today.

http://www.missingkids.com/missingkids/servlet/PublicHomeServlet?LanguageCountry=en_US

Make an on-line slide show at www.OneTrueMedia.com

The meaning of the Rainbow?

Many of you may be wondering what the heck is with the rainbow picture on this blog? Well let me try to explain where and what meaning it has for me. On January 21, 2005 our 3 year old Katie was killed after a large, unsecured wardrobe cabinet fell on top of her. Most of the readers of this blog are probably aware of this, perhaps just not aware of the date. By following the link to the right...you can learn more about our daughter and child safety. By scrolling below, you can find the You Tube video created to raise awareness of furniture safety.
Anyway, back to the rainbow. I am a firm believer in "signs" if you are able to maintain an open mind and open heart. Trying to dig deeply into the meaning of little things or eagerly anticipating the presence of a lost loved one is almost like watching paint dry. It just doesn't happen. But if one keeps his or her heart wide open than even the smallest occurrence can signify a strong presence. When you are least expecting a "sign" at least for me that is, is when my Katie makes her presence felt. Exactly 3 months after the date of the accident, my husband and I with our two boys were at the baseball field, FoxRok. Both boys had different games and B and I walking inbetween the two fields so we could watch both boys play. All of a sudden, E shouted, a Rainbow!!! Far above our heads on that bright, sunny day, an inverted rainbow smiled down upon us. No clouds were in sight and rain was not in the forecast. So where did the rainbow come from? You may have your scientific explanations and logical answers....however I maintain my belief that it was my daughter letting us all know that she was okay. I shed many tears that wonderful evening; both tears of extreme grief and hopefulness. Missing my Katie from my core but allowing myself to believe that she was in this paradise called Heaven.
Other little signs that allow me to feel my daughter's presence.....a yellow butterfly fluttering nearby, the lights in our hallway turning themselves on, her favorite toy playing at 2 in the morning, or the color of a typed paper on the computer not changing from her favorite color blue. There have been many, many signs...and I have learned to not go around looking or waiting for them..but to accept that they will appear when I am not expecting them...in the smallest but most significant of ways.
So to all of you who have lost loved ones....try to keep an open mind and open heart...don't go looking for the signs...just accept even the smallest ones...and feel the presence.

J

Sunny Saturday

The weather was beautiful today after yesterday's dull, and dreary rain. I guess all of these rain showers do help the flowers grow as you can see from a couple of my pictures above. I tried my best to take still photos of a couple of flowers from our front garden. I still think we need a better camera. I tell B all of the time that the Sony cyber-shot takes lousy photos. He says its me. I beg to differ. Now I'm not the world's best photographer but I think I can tell when it's the camera and not the the picture taker.....: ) I think....

Anyway, I took a few more random photos from our trip to the playground today.
The boys had a ballgame this morning which they lost. They played very well again, just came up short several runs. We'll win on Monday! Go get them Marlins!

Later on this afternoon, I took them to Jenkintown playground. They had a blast. I was able to shoot several short videos of them which I will attempt to post. They are pretty funny.

The videos are of the boys trying to use the zip line. E finally sort of conquers it, but BB just cannot master it.

Just a short post tonight. Enjoy the pictures and video.

J

What a rainy, dark and dreary Friday. It has been so cool lately that I'm wondering what has happened to Spring. Our pool is scheduled to be opened next week and I'm beginning to second guess my decision of opening it early. The temperatures are not supposed to get any higher than 75 next week. Certainly not swimming weather. Most years we go directly from cool weather to hot summer-like sweltering weather....so perhaps this year will be no different.

E seems to have recovered nicely from his strep throat. He's back to school today and I'm keeping my fingers and toes crossed that no one else in the house will catch the nasty bug. S continues to do well and her mastery of the English language still amazes me. We had her speech evaluated at Shriners a couple of weeks ago...I may have mentioned it, and they have no worries. She is doing beautifully considering that at present, English is her second language. She is basically on par with others her age with just a few sounds being difficult to her.

I will admit that I believe that she does have some attachment issues that I may consider some therapy for her. Sometimes I think that S is "anxiously attached" to me. There are many hundreds of times that I cannot leave the room without having her under my feet. She always needs to know where I am....but these things could be age-related as well. This past week bedtime has been a bit better. She usually will pop out of bed several times each night before going to sleep. She usually ventures out of her room for one reason or another many times. We just keep putting her back into her bed and telling her it's bedtime. So far this week she's done much better. Monday thru Thursday she stayed in her bed. Last night she did come out of her room one or two times before drifting off to sleep. Hopefully this is an indication that bedtime will definitly become easier for all of us.

I also took a short video of her in the bathtub the other day so I will attempt to upload it later.

I am feeling the same. For those of you who know, I have been out of work for over a month now with a mysterious pain in my side that no one seems to know what it is. I've had many tests completed: Let's see, I had a pelvic ultrasound, two abdominal ( RUQ ultrasounds), an x ray of my spine and two CT scans of the chest for something completely unrelated. We are still no closer to finding the cause of the pain now then I was a month ago. The problem is that all of the tests that have been done were not in the area of the pain. The pain is between the pelvis and the RUQ. I am completely frustrated as now I have lost my job as a staff nurse. The pain was becoming unbearable as I continued to stand for my 12 hour shifts. The doctor put me out of work, and now...having no time left because of the time that I took off for the adoption, I lost my position.

I try to remain positive and think that something better will come along. I pray it does and I pray that this pain is nothing serious that the doctors are missing. I'm tired of hearing the excuse that it could be depression. I want some answers. One doctors has said that it's a pinched nerve so he sent me to an orthopedist. He in turn says the pain is coming from my abdomen. UGH. What now?

Ok, so there is my vent for the day.

I want to thank everyone who has viewed the Help Save A Life video. Please continue to pass it on to everyone you know. You may find it below....just scroll down.

I hope everyone have a wonderful Friday. For those of you living nearby...enjoy the rain.

J

Prayers needed

The United States awakened today with numerous news reports flooding the airways of a major earthquake in China. The magnitute of the earthquake measured 7.9 on the richter scales which falls into the category of "major." The epicenter was located in Wenchuan, Sichuan Province which is in Central China. Reports are saying that nearly 10,000 people have been killed.

To give you an idea of where the quake was located, please take a look at the China map.

Last summer, my family and I spent one week in Wuhan, Hubei China which is the next province to the East. So close.

My heart aches for those in China. The devastation is beyond words. Please keep those who are suffering in your thoughts and prayers. Please pray for all of the high school students to be found alive, that no toxic chemicals are being released, and that the death toll does not increase.

This is my daughter's homeland and I shudder to think that perhaps her birthfamily may be suffering through this.

On another note, E is sick again. UGH. Didn't we just finish getting over illnesses? He's had a fever for two days...up to 104 today... so now my question is...who's next?

J

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY

For everyone looking for the Help Save A Life Video, please scroll down, view it, and then pass it on to anyone who you may know that has a child or knows a child. Furniture tip-over is a frequent, devastating but very preventable hazard. I firmly believe, that education is the key in helping to stop this epidemic. By alerting others that furniture, televisions and large appliances can tip, crush and kill children perhaps people will take a few minutes to secure their furniture and help to Save A Life. If I had known....my Katie would still be with me.

Next I want to wish everyone a happy and wonderful Mother's Day tomorrow. Being a part of the adoption communtity, I know that there will be many people who will be celebrating Mother's Day for the very first time tomorrow with their new child, as well as those woman who have given birth this year and for the first time will celebrate the joys of the holiday. Also, to all of the women who are still waiting for their referral or to hold their blessed child in their arms for the very first time. When you finally do see those eyes finally looking back at you whether it be in a referral picture or when being handed him or her in an adoption office.....you know that the wait will have been worth it. There is not a feeling in the world that can come close to finally becoming a mother for the first time. Your time will come and your child will wait for you. What a beautiful day to celebrate.
I am now lead to thoughts of my own mom. I feel lucky and blessed to have her still with me. Once a little, robust, spunky woman she has now grown older both mentally and physically. She raised 8 children while my dad worked 7 days a week, very long hours.
Her health has deteriorated throughout the past years but luckily she has recovered. She has survived a perforated appendix, and heart bypass surgery among others. She watched her husband die of cancer after a long illness and had to attend her 3 year old granddaughter's funeral.
Other than slowing her pace she still enjoys her gardening and walking around very large home, taking care of her cats.
There is one devastating issue though that I know my mom has no hope of recovery. This hopeless issue is the frightening disease of dementia.
Webster defines it as a usually progressive condition (as Alzheimer's disease) marked by deteriorated cognitive functioning often with emotional apathy .
I will leave the rest for another day. Please take a moment to call, visit, and hug your moms tomorrow. Life is short and you may not get another chance to say "I love you."
Happy Mother's Day to all.

J

HELP SAVE A LIFE

On January 21, 2005 my life and the life of my family was changed forever. The day has forever etched in my memory, burning pictures of my precious daughter's most horrific death. Most of you know the story, and for those of you who don't, I will tell a shortened version for the purpose to provide education and to raise awareness of an epidmic which we are now facing.
That day started as every other day started, uneventful, busy and extremely excited.
Our family had recently purchased a new house and we were busily trying to prepare the house so that we could move in. We were cleaning, painting and having it recarpeted. That day, Friday, was filled with the above along with the eager excitement of an impending snowstorm.
It was late afternoon, and I had just picked BB up from school. BB, E and K were with me in the house as was the painter. About 4Pm in the afternoon, B called and asked if we could take the kids to Perkins for dinner. I thought it was a good idea and continued my job of cleaning up the day's paintbrushes and paint cans, etc. K's room had just been completed and the carpet company had finished and left for the day. I showed K her new bedroom and told her she could go play in it. I took off her spider sneakers and she eagerly went into her room carrying her Buzz Lightyear toy in one hand and a box of smores Crackers in the other. The boys were playing Playstation in another bedroom. Before sending K into her room, I glanced around at the newly painted pink walls and saw the two wardrobe cabinets against the wall with the smaller dresser inbetween....all three pieces left by the previous owner. I saw nothing that I thought was dangerous in that room. It was clean, no wires and looked beautiful. I continued my cleaning and each time I walked by that room I would see K in there. The last time I saw my baby, she was lying on the floor with her head facing me at the door as she continued munching on those crackers holding Buzz.
Then I heard the crash. A deafening sound...a sound like no other...
I ran and got to K within seconds. At first, I didn't see her...all that was visible was a thousand pieces of broken glass and board covering my daughter. I screamed for the painter and we both began pulling the pieces off her.
I will never forget the image of my daughter's lifeless body. I will never forget the images of my two sons who watched in horror as their sister slipped into Jesus' arms. I will never forget crying and clinging to my husband and he to me as we told our boys that their baby sister has gone to be with Jesus in Heaven. I will never forget trying to put my weeping boys to bed as my tears dampened their covers and their clothes. I will never forget waking for the next year, automatically wanting to look into my daughter's room and finding her bed empty.

Please, please take this story and use it to help protect your children and children that you know. I did not know that furniture could be dangerous. I had never heard of furniture tip-over before. Please don't let this type of accident happen to you. Help us Save A Life. Please secure your furniture to a stud in the wall. It does not matter if your furniture is a well made expensive piece, or a piece made out of particle board. It all CAN TIP!!! And if you think it can't....remember...8 to 10,000 people a year are injured by furniture tip-over. Don't become a statistic.
Thank you and please scroll down to watch the slide show.

J

Help Save A LIfe

The Prom

I wanted to stop by and upload some pictures tonight. My niece, Kellie, went to her first prom this evening with her boyfriend. The two of them looked so nice and Kellie looked stunning her her daffodil, yellow gown. She is so beautiful and so grown up that I wanted to post a few pictures of the two of them. It's her boyfriend's prom as Kellie is in the 9th grade, but she looks much older and much more mature than 16.

On another note, the boys had a baseball game today and lost a heartbreaker. After being down 6 - 0, their team came back and scored 8 runs in the 5th inning. During the 6th, the opposition tied it and it wasn't until the bottom of the ninth that our team walked in the winning run. What a bummer. But that's okay. I think everyone had a good time and that is what counts.

Go get them next time, Marlins!

Thanks Mom mom for coming to the game. I know we froze, but we're glad that you were there.

I am also posting some pictures of E in the wax museum this past week. He made a fantastic John Adams and did so well with memorizing his script.

I hope all is well with everyone and I ask everyone to stay tuned for our awareness video coming soon on Furniture Safety. I hope to post it this week here.

Enjoy the Pictures.

J